Everything seems alright with my physical body in these past 2 weeks (except for a painful Abscess Tooth I’ve had to sort out), but there has been this dynamic shift in my mind and soul that’s caused me to take 1000 steps back along my journey of healing my broken little heart.
It’s no secret that I experienced the most emotionally traumatic moment of my young life a year ago – the strange phenomenon called ‘ghosting’. It’s a different kind of pain, to open up to someone and forge a beautiful connection with them, only to have those ties cut suddenly and without warning. And there’s no amount of information that prepares you for such a moment…
I thought my years of studying Psychology would help me deal with the vast amounts of emotions I was going through at the time, but really, so much of it was suppression and compartmentalizing the sad emotions I didn’t want to face head on. And then I thought I was on my way to dealing with things when I was reminded, months later, that ghosting has nothing to do with me – it’s a reflection of that person’s character and their choice to act on their own will. But thinking like this seemed like an encouragement to not take ownership for the pain I was feeling, and to hide behind the idea that love is a beautiful thing – I’m just not meant to have it. I’m not enough for the very thing I hope to truly experience one day. I lost my sense of self worth all because a boy wasn’t man enough to say he no longer wanted me.
This notion of self worth was a challenge for me, and I found myself opening up to one of the most beautiful human beings I’ve come across – Hakeem Anderson-Lesolang. As I listened to his podcast “Being Enough” I was heavily impacted by the words
“I am whole regardless of someone else’s love. I am whole regardless of someone else’s regard.”
I’m far from perfect, but wow, I listened to this podcast and realised I’ve lost my sense of being enough for me. I’ve forgotten that my purpose and sense of being isn’t found in another person, and in turn cannot be lost because of another person. I find this in a higher authority, the God in heaven who’s placed all the love, purpose and peace well inside me – and I lost this insight when I got blinded by being ghosted.
In a recent conversation with Hakeem, he presented the concept of ‘Expansion’ to me – trusting that the severe turmoil I’m in right now is happening because God deems it necessary. It’s breaking but doing so beautifully because God will collect the pieces to make me whole again. Oak trees didn’t come to be the great trees that they are without branches that broke through the stem and trunk. In a similar fashion, greatness won’t magically appear from me – I need to expand.
Truth be told, ‘Expansion’ hurts. There’s nothing pretty about having to face the cold emotions I’ve kept buried away to gather dust, but I’m writing this post to tell you that if you ever find yourself in a place where it’s time for introspection, consider that the dark spot you’re currently in is a seed that’s been placed in soil, and the pain you’re experiencing is ‘Expansion’. Love yourself enough to know that this is part of growing into the greatness that’s meant for you. God’s got you, so expand, and do so gloriously!
P.S. Listen to more of Hakeem’s ‘Sincerely Black Love’ podcasts here.